(Sound of tires crunching gravel, a car engine struggling, maybe a faint, distant siren)
Radio DJ (smooth, slightly too cheerful voice): …and we’re back here on WOH-IO, your Buckeye State soundscape, bringing you the hits and the… well, the hits, mostly. But first, folks, did you hear the one about the Vice President and the football trophy?
(Intermittent speech, the satellite signal wavers as the car rounds a bend, and goes through a tunnel. Sound of sloshing liquid in the car – maybe a half-empty beer can)
A Foggy Descent on Mount Hebron
Mount Hebron. Christ Almighty, more like Mount Hemorrhoid. This road’s got more twists than a goddamn snake in a barrel of eels. And me? I’m just a humble pilgrim, searching for the bottom of a bottle and maybe, just maybe, a reason to keep breathing. Headlights cutting through the fog like a dull butter knife through a slab of granite. Yeah, gravity’s my co-pilot tonight, and she’s been hitting the sauce harder than I have. Which, let’s be honest, is saying something.
Radio DJ: That’s right, folks, the Beltway’s buzzing, and not just from the usual swamp gas. Seems our very own VP Vance, bless his heart, had a little… fumble… at the White House shindig celebrating our glorious Ohio State Buckeyes!
(A hiccup escapes the driver. He fumbles for the volume knob, cranking it louder)
Radio Reports: VP Vance and the “Dislodged” Trophy
Vance, huh? That… thing… in a suit. Probably never seen a real football game, unless it was on a goddamn plasma screen while sipping imported champagne. Buckeyes! Yeah! National Champs! Damn right! But Vance… Vance… the name tastes like stale bread and broken promises. Probably thinks a punt is something you do to a prostitute.
Radio DJ: Sources are saying, and I quote, “the trophy, a magnificent symbol of gridiron glory, was… dislodged… from its base.” Dislodged! Sounds like a goddamn euphemism for “heaved it across the room like a drunken discus thrower.”
(The driver laughs, a loud, barking sound that echoes in the car. He swerves slightly, corrects violently)
Dislodged! He “dislodged” it! Like it was some kinda… unwanted… truth bomb at a goddamn Republican fundraiser. Vance, you goddamn… politician. Probably thinks Woody Hayes is a brand of bourbon.
Radio DJ: But fear not, Buckeye Nation! Running back sensation TreVeyon Henderson, quick as a hiccup in a hummingbird, was there to scoop up the… uh… dislodged… football-shaped top! Crisis averted! Mostly.
Buckeye Heroics: TreVeyon Henderson Saves the Day
Henderson! Yeah! That’s the spirit! A goddamn gladiator in cleats! Saving the day, saving the trophy, saving… what the hell are we really saving anyway, when you get down to it? Is it the illusion of order, the supposed sanctity of the game? Nah. We’re saving ourselves, one touchdown at a time.
Radio DJ: And VP Vance, ever the jokester, took to the socials, saying he “didn’t want anyone after Ohio State to get the trophy so he decided to break it.” Ha! Classic Vance! Always with the… wit. Or something.
(The driver snorts. He takes a swig from the can, ignoring the fizz)
Spin vs. Reality: Vance’s “Wit” and the Road Ahead
Wit? That’s wit? Sounds more like… a desperate attempt to cover his ass with a thin veneer of… what? Charm? Intelligence? Nah. Just pure, unadulterated bullshit. But hey, at least he’s… owning it? Sort of? Like a dog owns a flea-infested rug. Doesn’t matter. Trophy’s safe. Buckeyes won. And I’m… driving. Downhill. Towards… oblivion? Maybe. Or maybe just another tight bend appearing out of nowhere, another random change to my trajectory.
(Tyres screech)
Radio DJ: (Fading out) …and now, back to the hits!
(The driver slams the radio off. Silence, save for the engine and the crunch of gravel)
Just gotta keep driving. Downhill. Towards… something. Probably trouble. But hey, trouble’s just… opportunity… in a really ugly disguise. Right? Right. Now shut up, brain, and let’s just… drive… down… hill…
(The car engine strains as it continues its descent, tires occasionally squealing on the asphalt. A lone coyote howls in the distance, and the driver’s thoughts fade with the sound.)
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