Okay, here we go. The cold porcelain bites into the back of my thighs, a familiar morning ritual underscored by the faint blue glow escaping the slab of glass in my hand. Stale air hangs heavy in the water closet, thick with the ghosts of yesterday’s coffee and existential dread. And then I see it, glaring from the screen like a digital boil lanced onto the feed: TRUMP. TARIFFS. AGAIN. April 5th, 2025. A cold, unwanted reminder of yesterday’s news rears up large. How will the world react? Scroll.
Trump’s New Tariffs: 10% Universal, Hits on China, EU & Vietnam
Scroll on, the cold text laying out the details: 10% baseline? Like some kind of goddamn cover charge just to exist in his twisted global casino. Then the real shivs, delivered pixel by pixel: 46% for Vietnam? What’d they ever do besides bleed for our mistakes decades ago? 20% for the EU – those smug bastards in Brussels must be choking on their croissants. And China? Another 34% piled onto the existing mountain of stupid? It’s not policy, it’s economic warfare waged by a bloated, orange King Leer raging against the tide, proclaiming Liberation Day whilst holding a children’s counting board of random numbers.
Cautious Responses: Australia & Canada React to Tariff News
My eyes scan the feed, scrolling past a pathetic chorus of the damned. Albanese in Australia, bless his pragmatic heart, quoted as saying “totally unwarranted” but won’t hit back. Smart, maybe. Or maybe just rolling over, hoping the beast doesn’t notice the tremor in his digital statement. Down Under indeed.
Carney up in Canada, the smooth banker type, talking about “maximizing impact” while “minimizing effects” in some sterile press release link. Pure, unadulterated bullshit bingo. Translation: We’ll slap some symbolic tax on maple syrup and hope nobody notices we’re getting hosed.
China Vows Retaliation; EU Leaders Condemn Tariff Plan
China, naturally, is pissed. Official statements pop up: “Violation,” “countermeasures,” “no winners.” Standard script. They know the game. They’ll play rough. They have to. You don’t back down when a rabid dog is foaming at the mouth, you grab a bigger stick.
The Europeans are making the right noises, filling the timeline. Von der Leyen: “Major blow,” ready to “respond proportionately.” Scholz: “Fundamentally wrong,” attack on the system. Meloni: “Wrong,” wants a deal. All very civilized, very European. They’ll posture, they’ll threaten, they’ll probably cave on something stupid just to make the noise stop, forgetting that with Trump, the noise is the point.
Markets Plunge: Nikkei, Hang Seng Reel from Tariff Announcement
And the markets? Oh, the beautiful, predictable panic lighting up the stock apps. Nikkei down 4%, Hang Seng shitting the bed. Futures plummeting. Red arrows everywhere. The suits are sweating, the algorithms are screaming. Good. Let the bastards feel the heat. They amplified this maniac, now they can choke on the digital ashes.
The Ackman Angle: “Negotiate Quickly” Amidst the Chaos
Then, buried deep in the scroll after endless takes and hot takes, a little nugget of pure, distilled cynicism: Bill Ackman, the billionaire ghoul, tweeting for world leaders to “negotiate quickly” for “better deals.” Get in line, lick the boot early, maybe you won’t lose all your teeth. The transactional sickness laid bare. It’s not about nations or people, it’s about who gets the best discount from the mad king before he burns the whole fucking kingdom down.
A Gut Reaction: The Sheer Stupidity of Trump’s Tariffs
My gut churns. It’s not just the cheap coffee. It’s the sheer, grinding stupidity of it all. Doomscrolling through global economic self-immolation while perched on the shitter feels… appropriate. The whole damn thing belongs in the sewer.
I lock the screen, the sudden darkness reflecting my own strained face. Time to flush this whole goddamn mess. Or at least, the morning’s contribution to it. The world keeps spinning, faster and faster, right down the drain. And all we can do is swipe through its demise on the toilet. Christ.
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