The call came in around 3 a.m. a slurry of panicked energy crackling over the phone line from my man on the Hill, a jittery legislative aide I call “Deep Lung” on account of his heroic menthol consumption. He sounded like he’d been gargling gravel and gin.
“He’s done it again,” he wheezed. “He’s broken physics.”
“Slow down, you degenerate,” I grumbled, the stale taste of last night’s whiskey coating my tongue like a film of pure regret. “Who broke what now?”
“The President. Magnets. He said nobody knows what they are. It’s over. The simulation is glitching.”
He was right. There it was, splashed across the pre-dawn newsfeeds like a burst artery. In a rambling, wild-eyed Oval Office tirade ostensibly about Chinese trade, President Donald Trump, Leader of the Free World and Captain of the Good Ship Derangement, had stared into the hot glare of the TV lights and declared with the certainty of a flat-earth zealot that “nobody knows what magnets are.”
Nobody. Knows. What. Magnets. Are.
Let that sink in. Feel it crawl down your spine and curdle your blood. This isn’t just another lie about crowd sizes or a bogus claim about windmills causing cancer. This is a frontal assault on fifth-grade science. This is a declaration of war on the refrigerator door. The ancient Greeks figured this black magic out somewhere around the 6th century BC, but here, in the howling vortex of the 21st century, the man with his finger on the button is mystified by the simple miracle that holds his shopping list in place.
Trump’s Magnetic Moment: When Reality Glitches & Science Dies
I slammed the phone down and lurched toward the coffee pot, my brain doing a frantic inventory of every bad decision I’d ever made that led me to this moment. This was it. The final, screeching, off-the-rails careen into the abyss. We’ve sailed right off the edge of the map where it says “Here Be Dragons” and found something worse: a void of pure, weaponized ignorance.
This is the logical endpoint of the political freak show we’ve been mainlining for years. It’s not about policy anymore, if it ever was. It’s a savage journey into a funhouse mirror version of reality where up is down, truth is treason, and basic physical forces are unknowable Lovecraftian horrors. The President stood there, talking about a monopoly on magnets as if they were some arcane spice mined on a distant planet, not something you can buy in a damn hardware store. “To build a magnet system,” he said, his face a mask of profound confusion, “would take two years.”
A Savage Descent: Into the Void of Weaponized Ignorance
A magnet system? What the hell is a magnet system? Is that what he calls the invisible goblin that makes the compass needle point north?
This is the kind of brain-mangling gibberish that sends you scrambling for the ether. It’s a deep dive into a psyche so warped by narcissism and insulated by sycophants that it has lost all connection to the shared reality the rest of us are forced to inhabit. For him, if he doesn’t personally understand something, it must be a vast and complex mystery. *He* doesn’t get magnets, therefore, ‘nobody’ gets magnets. It’s the ultimate expression of solipsism as foreign policy.
And the horrifying truth is, he might be right. Not about the physics, you goddamn fools, but about the electorate. He’s the monster from our national Id, the walking embodiment of every willfully ignorant uncle who yells at the TV. He knows his audience. He knows that in the seething cauldron of the Beltway swamp, facts are just another inconvenience, another ‘expert’ opinion to be shouted down by sheer, bull-headed confidence. Why bother with understanding electromagnetism when you can just declare it a mystery and move on to talking about your “unbelievable deal” with China?
The Terminal Disease: How Stupidity Became a Winning Political Strategy
This is more than just a gaffe. It’s a symptom of the terminal disease. It’s the death of the American dream, not with a bang, but with a bewildered shrug in the face of a children’s science toy. We’re being led by people who have successfully monetized stupidity, who see a deliberate rejection of knowledge as a sign of strength. It’s a political strategy built on the foundation that if you say something insane with enough conviction, half the country will nod along because thinking is too much goddamn work. It’s the same foul energy that fuels every grift and conspiracy, a madness that seeps into the very foundations of the republic. How far have we come since Trump’s first 100 days?
I found myself in a dimly lit bar by noon, staring into a tumbler of cheap rye and trying to explain the situation to a bartender who looked like his soul had been repossessed years ago.
“He said… he said nobody understands them,” I stammered, splashing whiskey on the bar. “The magnets, man! The whole goddamn world is held together by forces these people not only don’t understand but are proud of not understanding! We’re in the belly of the beast, and the beast is a moron!”
The bartender just polished a glass, his expression unchanging. “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to stop yelling about kitchen appliances.”
He was right, of course. I was the crazy one. In this timeline, screaming about the president’s war on objective reality makes ‘you’ the lunatic. The whole country has gone around the bend, and I’m just another passenger on this wild ride, strapped in and watching the scenery melt. We’re all just waiting for the final, gut-wrenching moment when the car flies off the cliff, and on the way down, the driver turns to us, smiles, and explains that nobody ‘really’ knows how gravity works anyway.
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